Sunday, September 14, 2008

Should we export Suicide Bombers?

Suicide bombing is bad for health. Doctors tell us that whosoever tries suicide bombing goes directly to God. Mullahs have other version to it. They tell us that whosoever suicide bombs Americans or Israelis or maybe Indians, he or she will directly go to heaven. It is not explained by the said mullahs of the country and beyond which heaven are they talking about.

Now, business studies.

I am told that as a good businessman I should be able to treat every item on the list as a commodity. I am further told, by my good teachers at MAJU, Karachi, that every commodity, no matter how good, should have a fine salesman at the helm. Otherwise it won't sell. I think we, as a nation we are a very bad sales team. We've got so much talent, a talent which causes anguish and horror in boardrooms at Pentagon and White House, and yet we have been unable to sell it. Oh, yah, Yankee doodle, I am talking about selling suicide bombers to potential purchasers. Well that looks outlandish. But when CIA can blow up (according to hundreds of thousands of Muslims) twin towers and get the small plane in Pentagon, then anything can happen. When Bush can smoke something in Iraq and when CIA (oh notty guys) can prove that Iraq indeed has thousands of nuclear weapons, then I can suggest exporting our most wonderful commodity, our suicide bombers.

Few months back I was told by someone from Waziristan that they have around 500 suicide bombers waiting for the right signal. He even told me that the lot included boys as young as 15 and their parents were very proud of their admission into the elite club. I was amply horrified but could not think of how a class of 500 suicide bombers full with knowledge of suicide bombing looked like? Did they look pensive? Or, did they act like crazy mad cap men out to undo American terror war guys in Afghanistan.

Unfortunately, these suicide bombers seems to be wasting their precious time and limbs on killing common Pakistani Muslims. They would do pretty good in their final exams if they could go out and blow NATO forces and US marines holed up in Iraq and Afghanistan. But how? Who would help them?

Firstly, they need direction and maps. Maps are available at Google Maps. But I am not sure whether instructors at Wahabi Suicide Bombing Class A+ (Waziristan) teach something about reading maps and finding the right enemy. Nor am I sure whether these suicide bombers are willing to travel far off distances to target the right men and women (i.e. the NATO and the US Armed Forces in Afghanistan). Maybe they are willing but somehow they see a Pakistan Army van and decides to blow them up. Or, they see a resturant and kill people there. How sick?

I hope Zardari would read my blog and think about exporting these suicide bombers - successfully - to Afghanistan to blow the right people. I think we can earn some good foreign exchange. In fact, we can covert 90 at Karachi into a World Class university for to-be Suicide bombers and that we can teach other nations about how to blow enemy up. Afterall, if your people are being killed surely you need a commodity which needs to be trained to fix things up. Maybe my suggestions are a trifle adventurous but I cannot find a better method to take our KSE Index to 15000 points once again.

Lastly, it is requested to Zardari and his cabinet and his friends that the Suicide Bombers must be exempted from all duties and all taxes. They are not luxury items. They are our most worthy commodity.


Creative ideas are more creative and less real. Every blog must be read keeping this dictum in mind. Otherwise...

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